Should You Stay Together or Separate?

I’ll Help You Find Clarity.

Being in a relationship crisis is frustrating when you and your partner are unsure about your commitment to one another. It’s agonizing, discouraging, and frustrating to go through each day in the status quo, just existing side by side.

Maybe one of you has one foot in the door and one out, unsure of whether you should stay together.

Maybe one of you wants to stay together but doesn’t know if couples counseling will do any good.

So you’re stuck. Stuck in ambivalence. Stuck in limbo. Stuck on the brink.

This is where discernment counseling with me can help – in the in-between.

What is Discernment Counseling?

First off, It’s important to understand what discernment counseling is not. Discernment counseling is not couples counseling. It is not change and improvement-oriented. You won’t receive counseling on the necessary changes that need to be made to make your relationship work.

Discernment counseling is for couples on the brink. It’s for “mixed agenda” couples: one of you is leaning in to the relationship with a desire to work it out, while the other is leaning out but not committed to separation.

Is Discernment Counseling Right For You?

If you are a mixed-agenda couple in a relationship crisis, discernment counseling with me before couples counseling is a wise decision. Simply put, discernment counseling is a short-term process that helps you confidently decide on a path forward in your relationship.

Yes

  • Your relationship is at a standstill, stuck in limbo

  • You both want to understand what’s happening and are seeking clarity

  • you are both interested in seeing if couples therapy might help

No

  • One of you has firmly decided to leave the relationship

  • One of you is coercing or begging the other to attend

  • both of you have already committed to working on your relationship (couples counseling is more appropriate in this case).

There are situations where discernment counseling is not appropriate. When cases involve domestic violence, child abuse, suicidal ideation or substance misuse, I will refer you to individual therapy or a higher level of care.

What You Should Understand About Discernment Counseling

Couples on the brink need help and clarity to determine what they should do next.

Here are some essential things you should know about discernment counseling with me:

  • The goal is to help you decide: The purpose of discernment counseling is to provide clarity, confidence, and direction for your relationship based on a deeper understanding of what’s happening and the contributions of each partner.
  • We won’t “fix” your relationship crisis in discernment counseling: When you partner with me for discernment counseling, you aren’t going to improve your relationship, learn new communication skills, and create more intimacy. That’s not what this is about. Those are things you would discover in couples counseling with me.
  • It’s short-term: Discernment counseling is a short-term process ranging from one to five sessions. You commit to one session at a time. After one, you decide if you want another, and so on, with a maximum of five sessions.
  • The structure is unique: In couples counseling, we work together to find a path toward reconciliation because both parties have the same agenda — to work on your relationship. In discernment counseling, we just try to determine if that’s what you should do.
  • You’re held accountable: In discernment counseling, I invite you and your partner to look in the mirror to realize and discover your part in your struggling relationship.
Couple walking shadows showing on sidewalk. Deciding whether or not to continue the relationshpi

If you are part of a mixed-agenda couple, discernment, understanding, and clarity are crucial to determining your path moving forward.

Have different ideas about your marriage?

Confused about the future of your marriage?

What to Expect from Discernment Counseling

Couple in conversation with discernment counselor, trying to decide whether to move forward or end the relationship

I know being in a relationship crisis is challenging. You don’t want to waste any more time in limbo. That’s why discernment counseling is so beneficial – it helps you move forward, either together or separately, confidently and relatively quickly.

  • The First Session: Online discernment counseling sessions last between 1.5 to two hours. In the initial session, we’ll discuss any background information about you and your partner. We’ll discuss your concerns and how each of you feels in the relationship. I’ll also determine who may be leaning in, wanting to make it work, and who may be leaning out, unsure whether they should stay or go.
  • Each Subsequent Session: If, after the first session, you both wish to continue, we’ll move on to session two. I will guide you through the decision-making process of which path feels right for you and your relationship, helping you gain more clarity, confidence, and better direction.

You don’t have to commit to five sessions. If you agree on which path to take next before five sessions are up, we can either set up couples counseling, or I can help determine your next steps.

For mixed-agenda couples, how discernment counseling is structured can provide powerful clarity to both parties, helping you feel confident about your next step.

Jodi Lerner, LCSW with dog; online discernment counselor, NY therapist

Connect with Jodi

Are You Ready to Get Unstuck and Out of Ambivalence?

Whether discernment counseling clarifies a path for you that means staying together or separating, it’ll help you move forward with confidence, clarity, and understanding.

Schedule Your Consultation

Learn more about Discernment Counseling